The first signs that something is wrong online

In the cases we have worked on involving children, one pattern repeats: the parents had not kept up. Not through negligence. Technology moves quickly, children adapt to it easily because their time and attention allow it, and adults are occupied with work and everything else. Grandparents often use the same devices in a way they were taught by rote: press here, then here, then swipe.

The good news is that keeping up with the technology is not the requirement. What matters is recognising a change in the child, and that does not require understanding the platform at all.

None of the signs below is proof on its own, and most are not serious in isolation. Together, and out of character, they are worth a calm conversation.

Ten things worth noticing

1. Less time with friends and family. Offline relationships get postponed, then avoided, in favour of the device.
2. Difficulty holding attention. Concentration on a single task for any length of time becomes harder, and it shows first at school.
3. Sleep problems. Falling asleep late, waking during the night, or a body clock that has quietly shifted by hours.
4. Changes in eating. Meals skipped or eaten absently, weight lost or gained without another explanation.
5. Irritability, anxiety or low mood. Particularly a short temper around the device itself, or after using it.
6. School. Falling performance, less motivation, less involvement in things they used to care about.
7. Secrecy. The screen turned away, the phone locked where it used to lie open, vagueness about who they were talking to.
8. Aggression or withdrawal. Either direction is a signal: conflict where there was none, or a preference for being alone that appeared suddenly.
9. Inability to be away from it. Real distress at being without the device for any extended period.
10. A change in how they talk about people. Strong new positions on politics, religion, sex or groups of people, expressed in vocabulary that is not theirs. This one is usually a sign of where they have been reading rather than of what they think.

What the signs can mean

They are as likely to be the consequence of something done to the child as of something the child is doing. Blackmail, online harassment and being deceived by someone who seemed trustworthy all produce exactly this list. That is worth holding in mind before the first conversation, because the difference between “what have you been doing” and “has something happened” decides how that conversation goes.

Awareness is the actual skill

There is a large distance between not knowing what is going on and having read about a subject once. Cyber education does not require a technical background. It requires being open to the information, knowing what the risks are, knowing how to protect yourself, and being able to help someone who does not know.

It is a shared responsibility, and it is mostly ordinary attention.